I was going to try to make this post cheery and such, but that's not the place I am in right now. This should probably be in a journal or something, but I don't keep one. I don't know if it is just me or if other people feel the way that I do...sometimes I just feel like being alone. Complete solitude. I feel like taking a huge step back, away from the stream of humans and chaos in this world, and just breath. Now, in this perfect solitude that I wish myself away to, I would bring my husband and my precious pup, Marley. That's it. No one to judge me, to tell me what to do, or how to live my life.
 I often feel suffocated by all the social requirements that are pressed into me as a woman, a young adult, and a wife. Not to give any implications that there is anything wrong with my marriage. I married my soul mate. And although everyone who ever gets married truly believes this is true at some point, I know it's true. But I don't have to prove it to anyone. It's others around us who are trying to manipulate our relationship into what they have pictured as how it "should" be. That I have "wifely" duties that I need to uphold. That's not how we work, though. We know how to do things that fits us. But they are pretty important people in our lives, so we can't just brush them off as if they weren't. We need to pretend we are taking their judgements into some kind of consideration or at least pretend to do so.
As a young adult I feel the weight of having to get a job, which is necessary, getting good grades in school so that I can graduate, paying bills, and all that comes with growing up. All that is a given. We all grow up and that is life. I also have the pressure of society's image of how a woman of my age should look and hold herself. I have the worldly image burned into my mind of what others think I am supposed to be. I try not to let this bother me, as most women do, but it is so difficult. I look in the mirror and I feel conscious of every curve of my body, whether it be natural or self inflicted with my crazy love for junk food, and I pity the person who has to look at me...
...but then I take a deep breath, close my eyes and tell myself "You are beautifully and wonderfully made in the perfect image of God." If it weren't for those who keep me looking up, I don't know where I would be. Those people who love me make my world go 'round. And that is where I become conflicted with my place of solidity.
I have already lived a small amount of hours away from my family for the first time in 2012. Just me, my husband, and my sister. We were going to university and it was the first time we were living on our own. It was pretty good for the most part. It was only by the horrible incident of a car accident that we were even going to be able to see my family and my husband's family during christmas time. Otherwise, it would have been until spring break in April that we were going to see them. It was difficult on us. We both grew up with pretty big families. Always surrounded by someone. That is my issue. I love to be alone sometimes...but I also love to be surrounded by family and friends. Sitting at the table telling stories of when we were young and reckless, listening, laughing...my heart beats for times like these.
I get into what I have diagnosed myself as little bouts of depression. They just hit me out of nowhere. I just want to sit and cry awhile. I want to get up and walk out of the house and not come back. I don't want to be questioned about where I am going, what I am doing, or what I am feeling because I just don't know. I just want to sit and not talk and for that to be ok....ok?
No talking. Just silence.